A Day Off from Life

Geh. I'm in one of those blue moods again. Slowly fading to a black mood. I'm having such a hard time, and I don't know why because things have been worse in my life. So on top of having a hard time, I start beating myself up because I'm letting the hard times get to me which makes the times even harder!!!! AARRGH.

I didn't want to get out of bed today, but I had to because Firebrat was pissing me off and my neck was getting stiff. I want to sleep off the next four months so I can just wake up and move somewhere else.

I tried so hard to be productive yesterday. It difficult when lucky;s moping around not doing anything. Then I don't want to do anything either. He can be the most wonderful man, but when he sits around the house not doing anything, it sucks the motivation right out of me.

Later on I went to the knitting group Stacey and Josie, my apartment-building-mates organized, and tho it was fun, I felt SO out of place. I don't know why really. The girls were all super nice, Lisa our host has a very comfortable and pretty apartment, there was punch and cookies, and I showed Josie how to knit and helped Lisa with her technique. But I felt so incredibly self-conscious. I started noticing each little spot on my jeans, and noticing the stray string hang out of the cuff, and then noticing how dirty my boots were and then thinking, gods my hair is probably all over the place because I don't know how to style it. I started comparing myself and my wardrobe to what the other were wearing and doing and found myself lacking. My self confidence took a nose dive, and when i got home, I cried about it!

What the hell is that about??? I've never had self-image issues. I even saw a photo from New Year's Eve of me and Lucky. I was smiling and I look maniacal or something! My face is full of lines, my eyes are all squished up and I look short and fat. Wholly unflattering and so disappointing. I don't like the way I look anymore.

When i came home and got upset about as I lay in bed trying to get to sleep, I started thinking about Chicago, and Jessi, and Chrissie and my lovely little apartment there, and the garden, and our nice neighbors and I realized, its gone forever. I'll never get that little paradise back! I miss it so much. I miss tromping through the garden in 2 feet of snow with Maisy, and seeing Jessi's little notes inthe snow to Patrick. I miss the garden at every stage. I miss the view across 5 backyards form our kitchen window. I miss the big picture window in the living room. I miss the sound of the front gate slamming. I miss hearing Maisy bark wherever someone rang the bell. I miss seeing Charlie or Firebrat all hidden under the hosta in the gangway. I miss Saul, and Emily next door. I also miss Elliot and Natalie. I miss Mr. Meers. I miss being walking distance from everything I needed. I miss Chicago so damn much, I couldn't get out of bed this morning, because I just wanted Saint Louis to disappear.

Now, I'm here. I said I'd give it a year. Its been eight months. The only thing I would miss from here is teaching at Firecracker Press. That's a good opportunity. I have no close friends and can't seem to connect anyone. There's no work here, and I've sent HUNDREDS of resumes.

But what else will I do? Move back to Chicago under the false premise that things will go back to being as nice as they were? That's foolish. Would I move to some other town in hopes that it would work better? That's also foolish. So I stay here and be miserable for a while until the misery just becomes normal and I get used to functioning in that manner. Just like all the other numb people in this place.