Archive Retreival 3 - 11 May 05 Wednesday

Original Post Date: 11 May 05 Wednesday

Original Post Title: Dream #2

I dreampt that I was bitten by this little bat, like the common bat, not a vampire bat. And it was really tiny. About three inches long.

I pulled if off my neck where it bit me like 4 times, and was holding it between two fingers ant the back of its head, like you'd grab a cat. Its little skull was so tiny, and for a bat, it was very beautiful. I remember feeling bad that I had pulled him so hard. The skin on his neck and head were pulled tight from me pinching it. His head was as small as my thumbnail.

Then these four bumps showed up on my neck. They were the size of a marble, and had a little blue dot in to top of each. They were like a giant pimple, and the blueness was something under the skin. I asked someone to tell me what they hell they were, and why this bat bit me, and the person was like " oh they are nipples", like bats bite at neck nipples everyday.

So now I have for blue nipples on my neck, and they aren't like people nipples, they are like baby bottle nipples, blue plastic. I squeeze one of them and it like squeezed out of my neck with this root or stem attached to it an inch or so long. I could get them all off. They were like medicine droppers. But blue. wtf? I don't nurse bats from my neck and the bat was all pissed off and i had to hold it and keep it from biting me again. Don't know how the dream ended.

What the hell does that kind of dream mean? I will have bat like vampiric children or something? Maybe it has nothing to do with children, just feeling in general like life is being sucked out of me maybe.

Then I was dreaming that my mom published a book and in it were all these secret things I never told her. I was like, why do u read all my secrets, and she said its my house u live in so I must know everything about you. I flipped out and tried to run away and she was hitting me, and I was screamed at her "I am leaving!!!" and asking her "Why do you do these things? Why do you cause me so much pain and distress?" As I was saying it to her i was thinking why haven't I moved before? I should have been out of here so long ago. It was like I am still mentally trapped there with my mother always having to keep absolute power over me.

I dream about my mom so much and they are always like that. She's chasing me and I can't run, or she's trying to kill me, or kill one of my siblings. Its like she's always in my head and I can't make her go away. Its so strange, I haven't lived there in so long, yet she still won't let go of me. Or maybe I am still struggling to keep her off of me.

Archive Retreival 2 - 11 May 05 Wednesday

Original Post Date: 11 May 05 Wednesday
Original Post Title: Dream #1

I was dreaming that my mom was comatose with a feeding tube and hooked up to a respirator... But she kept moving around and scratching herself badly. A few times, we found her out of the bed, sitting in a chair, with all her tubes ripped out and she was bleeding. It was so agonizing. Then the dream changed, and I was the one in the bed, with tubes in my nose and down my throat and all hooked up. I was supposed to be in a coma, but I knew what was going on. I could see and hear but I couldn't move or make noise. I knew there were people around me. I tried to talk so hard, but my voice didn't work with the breathing tube. I tried screaming over and over until I woke myself up with this hoarse yelling I was actually making in response to dreaming about yelling. Then I went back to sleep, and had this other sad dream that my mom and dad and I were out in the barn at the incubator which was full of ducks eggs. It wasn't a real incubator, but a pot of hot water. To hatch the eggs, we dipped each egg in the boiling water for a few seconds, and instead of cooking the eggs, it was making them grow. Then we peeled off the shells and these beautiful black or yellow wet tiny ducklings were inside! THey dried off and were so pretty and fluffy. A few of the eggs didn't "incubate" all the way though, and when it hatched it had no head and died. It made me so sad. Then I realised that my parents were hatching these duckings to eat them!!! I was terrified! I tried to gather them all up and take them away, but there were too many. I couldn't save them, so I grabbed as many as I could in my arms and ran to my Mother, crying my heart out saying "Mama! don't eat the chicks!! Please Don't eat the Chicks! You can't! Look at them they are so beautiful , Don'tt eat them!!" And I was crying so hard in my dream it hurt. My mother and father looked at me and rolled their eyes and sighed, like 'here she goes again, being all vegetarian' but they didn't understand. The chicks knew. They were scared, they didn't want to be food, they wanted to be ducks and grow up to make more ducks. Those poor poor little chicks. I don't understand how people can eat ducklings. I want to save them all. I wish everyone respected animals. But they don't they segregate into "pets" and "food" and because we label some "food" they must be inferior. That is so ridiculous! ARGH. its so frustrating. I don't know. ANy way, I woke up bawling my eyes out, sobbing and choking because I was crying so hard. I had to get out of bed and wash all the tears off my face. It was horrible. I just have this picture of a basket of beautiful chirping chicks that were fated to die at the hands of my parents. I can't think about it anymore or I'll cry all day.