Archive Retreival 5 - 11 May 05 Wednesday

Original Post Date: 11 May 05 Wednesday

Original Post Title: Dream #4

I was in this house, and one of my roommates had commited suicide right in the kitchen, shot himself in the head and there was blood everywhere. but he had written this song explaining why he had to do it, so every one was ok with it and just left him there, sitting up against a cabinet. I went over to the door, and out side a car with an old wise man was in it. (Carl Jung any one?) I knew that he was my teacher, but not in an academic sense, more like he was my Sensei, or Guide. He didnt want to come into the house, and wouldn't look at me. He seemed afraid and sad. I coaxed him in and was very gentle and soothing to him, holding his hand and saying how great it was that he had returned. (tho i didnt know where he had been). So he was in the house, and then I looked into my room, and up on my loft was a baby girl. She was also wearing the same Converse sneakers I was, but baby size. She was up there and had just woken and was kicking at the ceiling fan, like it was a mobile. I started walking in the room, and she sat up , rolled over and started to fall. I saw her falling, and knew I could catch her if I moved fast, but I didnt I just walked over as she fell onto the floor. The sound she made hitting the hard wood was horrible. She didn't move. I picked her up and she wasnt crying. The right side of her face was smashed in fromthe floor. it was then that i realised she wasn't my baby, and that some one had left her in my care (the Teacher maybe) and I had failed and broken the baby. then my alarm went off and I woke up.

Archive retreival 4 - 11 May 05 Wednesday

Original Post Date: 11 May 05 Wednesday

Original Post Title: Dream #3

Anxiety dreams. I dreampt that all the cool stickers on my computer were flaking off and I was mad. then I dreampt that my iPod was made of wax, and I accidentally slammed it in the car door and then dropped it and then it melted with all my music and files on it. I dream that I am waking up when I am asleep, because I know I am going to wake up 15 times a night. its weird dreaming about being awake, then waking up and going "wait was I dreaming that? Am I dreaming this? what's going on?"

Archive Retreival 3 - 11 May 05 Wednesday

Original Post Date: 11 May 05 Wednesday

Original Post Title: Dream #2

I dreampt that I was bitten by this little bat, like the common bat, not a vampire bat. And it was really tiny. About three inches long.

I pulled if off my neck where it bit me like 4 times, and was holding it between two fingers ant the back of its head, like you'd grab a cat. Its little skull was so tiny, and for a bat, it was very beautiful. I remember feeling bad that I had pulled him so hard. The skin on his neck and head were pulled tight from me pinching it. His head was as small as my thumbnail.

Then these four bumps showed up on my neck. They were the size of a marble, and had a little blue dot in to top of each. They were like a giant pimple, and the blueness was something under the skin. I asked someone to tell me what they hell they were, and why this bat bit me, and the person was like " oh they are nipples", like bats bite at neck nipples everyday.

So now I have for blue nipples on my neck, and they aren't like people nipples, they are like baby bottle nipples, blue plastic. I squeeze one of them and it like squeezed out of my neck with this root or stem attached to it an inch or so long. I could get them all off. They were like medicine droppers. But blue. wtf? I don't nurse bats from my neck and the bat was all pissed off and i had to hold it and keep it from biting me again. Don't know how the dream ended.

What the hell does that kind of dream mean? I will have bat like vampiric children or something? Maybe it has nothing to do with children, just feeling in general like life is being sucked out of me maybe.

Then I was dreaming that my mom published a book and in it were all these secret things I never told her. I was like, why do u read all my secrets, and she said its my house u live in so I must know everything about you. I flipped out and tried to run away and she was hitting me, and I was screamed at her "I am leaving!!!" and asking her "Why do you do these things? Why do you cause me so much pain and distress?" As I was saying it to her i was thinking why haven't I moved before? I should have been out of here so long ago. It was like I am still mentally trapped there with my mother always having to keep absolute power over me.

I dream about my mom so much and they are always like that. She's chasing me and I can't run, or she's trying to kill me, or kill one of my siblings. Its like she's always in my head and I can't make her go away. Its so strange, I haven't lived there in so long, yet she still won't let go of me. Or maybe I am still struggling to keep her off of me.